I really, really wish Princess Diana would come back from the dead.

Above: Diana: Princess of Zombies captured by the The Sizemore McCabe Project

I mean, really… how long can we keep flogging this dead horse princess? Isn’t it about time the dark, dark powers of the underworld caved in to this incessant demand and send her back up? I, for one, would welcome her unholy return and perhaps even blow a trumpet as she eats the brains of the very people that have been starfucking her corpse since 1997! All hail the Zombie Princess Diana!

This year marked the 10th anniversary of her death, a fab reason, don’t you think, to release 15 more Di-related books. This includes: Diana the Angel, Diana the Manipulator, Diana the Maker of Kings and Diana the Destroyer of the Monarchy (sounds like they were inspired by Conan the Barbarian movies).

My favourite, A Dress for Diana, is a $2,000 limited-edition coffee-table book about the princess’s wedding dress containing a swatch from the leftover silk. What excellent value for money! The publishers apparently have been quoted as saying:

“this isn’t just a book … [it’s] an opportunity to become part of that magical day … to take a step closer to the woman who is still alive to so many throughout the world … [to] join that shy girl as she made her hesitant way down the aisle.”

OH MY GOD! What tripe! SHE’S DEAD OK!!? Get over it! You’re never going to be a princess, stop dreaming, stop living vicariously through her – it’s weirding me out! Don’t you remember? The story doesn’t have a ‘happily ever after’! Lucky, it’s not you! (Shame it’s not you)

You’re lucky it’s Boris Yeltsin!

Post-Mortem: For the record I’m neither for nor against the woman herself. Unless she’s does return zombie-style! That would be so very cool.

Just because I was born here, doesn’t mean I give a sh!t about cricket*

The new Australian Citizenship Test kicks off next week. And it’s tough. The test asks questions like: What is a Bill? What is Australia’s floral emblem? What is the responsibility of every Australian? Who is Sir Donald Bradman? Try the practice test for yourself here.

It strikes us here at LBYiD! that these questions don’t necessarily reflect what it means to be truly Oz. So, along with every other chump with a keyboard, we’ve drafted…5 Questions That Should Be Asked On The New Citizenship Test…

1. Shane Warne is:
(a) a cricket player
(b) a legend
(c) a bloody legend – CORRECT
(d) a misogynist dumb-shit

2. The correct place to store your Winnie Blues is:
(a) your pocket
(b) tucked into the sleeve of your t-shirt
(c) your school bag
(d) your nappy bag – CORRECT

3. Australia’s national anthem is:
(a) Khe Sahn – CORRECT
(b) Aussie, Aussie, Aussie…Oi Oi Oi [repeats] – CORRECT
(c) Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours. With a little understanding, you can find a perfect blend. Neighbours, should be there for one another. That’s when good neighbours become good friends. [er…also CORRECT]
(d) Advance Australia Fair – CLEARLY WRONG. GO HOME.

4. Australia’s Prime Minister is:
(a) John Howard
(b) Peter Costello
(07) Kevin Rudd
(d) a c*nt
[this is clearly a trick question as there are several correct answers]

5. Which of the following groups of people should not be allowed to enter Australia:
(a) Muslims
(b) Asians
(c) Aborigines
(d) Poofters
(e) all of the above – CORRECT. CITIZENSHIP GRANTED. GO STRAIGHT TO PUB.

Lucky Boris Yeltsin is Dead!

* Boris does actually give a shit about cricket. But he’s Russian. And drunk.

Be Climate Conned

More barrel-fish shooting over here at LBYiD!, to counter Lib’s propaganda machine, which seems to be in overdrive at the moment. You may have noticed their moronic “Be Climate Clever” ads making your TV feel dirty. We hope you’re not buying the ol’ green-washed uranium mining / nuclear energy lobby line they’re pushing! Read “Is nuclear power part of Australia’s global warming solutions?” by Professor Ian Lowe AO, ACF President, to hear an opposing view.

To summarise (in case you’re lazy like me):

1. The economics of nuclear don’t stack up. The real cost is so much more expensive than any other renewable.
2. Nuclear is too slow an option to respond to climate change. Even if they start building them tomorrow it will take 15 – 25 years to start pumping the juice out.
3. Remember: building nuclear power plants and mining uranium are NOT carbon neutral activities kids.
4. Uranium is a finite resource and there’s only about 50 years worth of the stuff in the ground (to meet global demand).
5. Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Ola terroristas!
6. Radioactive waste – no acceptable environmental and or economic plan for disposing the glow-in-the-dark stuff has been established yet.

Boris wouldn’t stand for it, I suppose that’s why Howard (that worm!) thinks:

Lucky Boris Yeltsin is Dead!

Photo courtesy of Michal Brcak.

These Workplace Authority ads are making me thirsty…

While I know that complaining about government advertising is like shooting fish in a barrel, the Australian Government has been bringing us some Gold Logie-winning material of late.

Take, for example, the new Workplace Authority commercials. Having abandoned a campaign that saw senior public servants shaking their cans to promote WorkChoices (and abandoning the separation of powers, the protections accorded by an independent civil service and good taste), the Workplace Authority is now pimping the Howard government’s industrial legislation like some diseased hooker by having two “mates” discuss the new fairness test in the most natural of settings: the pub.

So, in the spirit of some esteem-building fish-shooting, Lucky Boris Yeltsin is Dead! brings you… The Top 5 Reasons The Workplace Authority’s “Two Mates in a Pub” Commercials are Unconvincing, Uncompelling and Downright Stupid:

1. Two guys walk into a bar. We keep expecting this joke to get funny. It doesn’t.
2. A pub, two “mates”, a basket of chips and two glasses – sounds reasonable…even pleasant. But there is no beer in the glasses. None. Could it be that with their spanky new AWA’s they don’t have enough coin for the next shout? Or the Australian Government could see fit to spend our taxes on shamelessly political commercials masquerading as information campaigns, but was too tight to pop for two schooners of XXXX Gold. Who knew?
3. There are no sodden coasters. There are some car keys on the table. The mates’ pants appear to coordinate with their shirts and do not appear to be pulling uncomfortably across their bellies. Have these people ever been in a pub?
4. The pub is not playing Shannon Noll.
5. The mates are talking about WorkChoices, rather than tits.

Is anyone else thirsty?
Lucky Boris Yeltsin is Dead!